Murders and Rankings, oh my!
by Tyconn4
Summary: Follow Simon Callahan's journey through the ranks with his bionic hand. Wow, I suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I had two fan fictions up on this account before. And they sucked absolute donkey nuts. I'll try to do better with this No More Heroes fan fiction, but no promises. So lets go. -Brofist-**

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Simon walked through the pouring rain, his black sweater not a great choice for this weather. But he didn't care. He was drunk, and he was giddy because his girlfriend had just given him a blow job. And that was his evening. Simon was still drinking out of the bottle of Sam Adams when he was jumped.

" Give me your money, phone and keys. NOW!" shouted the mugger, a 1911 in his right hand, pointed at Simon, finger on the trigger.

" You need to lighten up buddy. Have a beer." Simon slurred out, his glasses crooked and him holding the bottle out, while his other hand was slowly going for his back pocket where he kept his knife. _'Good thing I'm fast at sobering up'_ Simon thought to himself as he grabbed his knife, spun around the man and stabbed him in the back before tearing the blade up and out.

" You little shit! I'll kill you!" the mugger whimpered out as he fell to the ground, gun still in hand, firing and hitting his mark. The bullet went into Simons wrist, the force knocking his hand clean off. The man smiled as Simon cried out in pain as the hand slid down the slick asphalt of the street. The man lined up a headshot before Simon leapt on the man, beating him senseless with his remaining hand. Punch after punch slammed into the muggers face, slamming the back of his head against the concrete sidewalk. After the man's head was leaking blood, Simon stood up. And dragged the body to the curb. He opened the mugger's mouth and slid it over the corner. As the dazed man screamed, Simon stomped.

" That's what you get! Fucking asshole." Simon said to himself as the muggers body had become dead weight, and his tongue flailed limply in the bottom part of his head. " Oh shit. I just killed a man." Simon whispered before falling unconscious.

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Simon woke up hours later in the spotless white of his hospital room. As he turned his head, he realized a sudden heaviness on his right hand. As he glanced at his hand, he gasped. There was a metal attachment on his han- no it was his hand. As the memory of last night came back to him, he realized the pure anger and aggression he felt was good. Simon didn't realize that there was a woman at the foot of his bed, glaring down at him, her blue silk shirt unbuttoned, revealing a bit of her lacy light blue bra.

"Simon Callahan. That was an . . . exquisite fight to witness last night." she told Simon with a light Russian accent. She leaned forward, giving Simon a nice view of her cleavage as she spoke again. "If you look at my tits, I will chop your nuts off. Now, I can tell you have that killer instinct Simon. How would you like to become an assassin?".

Simon leaned up and stared at the Russian woman (not at her breasts, he happened to like his nuts) "Now sweetheart, that was a bit forward. Buy me dinner before you make such a commitment," she glared at him, her eyes narrow. "Now, what is your name darling?"

"My name is Ivanna Volodarskii. I am a recruiter for the UAA, or United Assassins Association. You have talent. Would you like to become rank 25th?" she asked him, a dark eyebrow lifting.

" Volodarskii? Like that insane magician? Hmmm, sure I'll join your association sweetheart. But I need a weapon. Any idea where I can get one?" he replied, smiling at Ivanna, and wondering what a cute girl like her was doing with an assassin's association.

She stiffened at the mention of her brother. "Yes, Harvey was a brother. But he was a fool. Got himself killed by a dumbass otaku who only did it to get in some other recruiter's pants." but then, Ivanna smiled. "And you already have a weapon." She gestured to his mechanical hand and smiled. "We requested to have a special feature implanted. That glove can be a powerful metal fist, or a razor sharp sword, all at a mere thought. Of course it is going to cost you. $5,000 for the hand or we remove it."

Simon grimaced and gave her $5,000 (No More Heroes style money, where you get $2,000 giving some guy a coconut). "So, when do I start?" He asked her, practicing making his hand into the sword, and seeing it very much worked.

"Tommorow. The 24th ranked assassin will be waiting for you. However, I am 99.9% certain that you will die. You will find him at the 1-2-3 Caring! Daycare downtown." she said in a monotone voice, filing her nails. "See you soon Simon." and with that she left the room, walking with a sort of swagger that caused her hips to say back and forth. It was incredibly sexy.

"Tomorrow, eh. I'm ready for anybody. Even a twisted freak that fights in an abandoned daycare." Simon got out of the hospital bed, and left the hospital, with no one noticing he left until 1 hour, 22 minutes later. And so, Simon's quest through the ranks began.

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**A/N: So that was the first chapter, and next one, coming tomorrow will be the fight against the 24th ranked assassin. So I hope you guys enjoyed, and that you review! -Brofist-**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is the second chapter of my No More Heroes fan fiction, against the 24th ranked assassin! Let's see how this goes. -Brofist-**

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**RANK 24**

**POGO THE CLOWN**

Simon walked back to his apartment, forming his hand into the sword and turning it back into his hand. As Simon walked, thoughts raced through his mind. _'Assassin? That is what I have become? And the first fight is tomorrow. I'm not ready for this.' _Simon walked up the steps, and opened his apartment door, to see his girlfriend sitting on his couch. "Uhh, Crystal, what are you doing here? i thought you had work." Simon asked, immediately putting his bionic hand into his pocket. Crystal stood up, her blonde ponytail flopping as she moved, her long and slender legs sticking out through her black skirt.

"I heard what happened. Are you okay?" her sweet honey like voice drifting towards Simon's ears. As she walked closer to him, her smell of sunshine and vanilla invaded Simon's nostrils. "Let me see your hand." Simon pulled his hand out of his pocket and showed the metallic beast to Crystal. She gasped and looked into his eyes. "Wow. I can't believe it. Well, you need rest, mister. Go to bed. I need to go back to work. I love you." Crystal said as she guided Simon towards his bed, as if he needed it. She kissed him on the forehead and left. Simon immediately jumped out of bed. And started practicing combat with his hand. After two hours of practice, he said he was ready, and fell asleep.

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A ring on his cell phone woke him up. He got up and looked at the text he had just received. **" The fighter is there. Do what you need to do and get to the daycare. I am 100% certain you shall die.** **- Ivanna."** Simon frowned and showered before slipping on a t-shirt and jeans and heading out. _'What a bitch.' _Simon thought as he got on the bus for the next city over, where the 1, 2, 3 Caring! Daycare was. Weird. It was in an abandoned city. As Simon got closer to the daycare, he could hear laughter. _'Fucking sicko.'_ Simon thought. Then he saw his opponent standing at the door to the daycare, and his opponent was a . . . clown? You got to be fucking kidding me. The clown was dressed in a yellow with red buttons suit, his sad face make-up dirty and faded. He was holding onto a long metal object, that had a wire leading to something on his back. The clown seemed oddly bulky. "Hey! You there! Clown! You ranked 24th?" Simon asked the clown as Simon made his hand into the blade.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! NiCe ToY you Got TherE RooKiE!' the clown shouted back, in an odd speech pattern, putting accents on certain letters. "YeaH, I aM rankEd 24th. yUo waNt tO battLe me! LET'S FIGHT THEN!" the clown screamed getting in a battle position.

**-Start boss theme: Bored Again by Lockjaw-**

Simon ran towards the clown, slashing at him. However the clown just stood there. No damage, no wounds. Is this guy made out of fucking iron? Pogo pushed Simon away and cackled as he pressed a button on his metal pipe. When he pressed the button, a handle sprang out with a trigger on it. Flames shot out of the pipe, forcing Simon to roll out of the way and come charging back at the clown. Pogo swiftly dodged and slammed the flamethrower against Simons face. Simon flinched in pain, spitting out a couple of his teeth. Flames came out of Pogo's flamethrower, and SImon was forced to dodge again. Simon backed up from the clown and started to formulate a plan-before Pogo threw a molotov cocktail at him. A raging fire was at where Simon was originally standing. _'Fuck. How do I get at this guy without getting burnt to a crisp. Wait . . . the flamethrower. That's it!' _Simon thought, reinvigorated. Simon charged at the clown, and as Pogo swung his flamethrower at Simon, he ducked and sliced at the pipe. The flamethrower was cut clean in half. Pogo's eyes widened for a split second before they narrowed again and Pogo quickly punched Simon, forcing him to stagger back. Pogo reached inside of his suit and pulled out a balloon sword a beam katana edge. Simon dodged as Pogo swung at him, slicing upwards, SImon cut off Pogo's arms, leaving him defenseless.  
Pogo's eyes widened as he staggered back. "But, everyone loves a clown!" Pogo screamed as Simon cut off his head, blood spurting out of the hole.

" Good job, Simon. You are now ranked 24th. Have an nice day." Ivanna said to Simon, as a couple men in white came forward to clean up what used to be Pogo's body. SImon grunted and walked away.

**POGO THE CLOWN**

**-DEAD-**

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******A/N: Sorry for getting this chapter out late, I have a terrible sleep schedule in the summer. Well, hope you like this chapter. -Brofist-**


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